First Day of School

My first baby started school today. Preschool, just 3 days a week, but I couldn’t help but think a step into adulthood. We’ve been talking about it for quite some time, he likes to get used to ideas before they are sprung on him. He was excited and a little anxious, but being who he is, didn’t want to show his anxiety. It manifested in a little more poking around the house, procrastinating getting out the door.

As we were walking up to the classroom, I thought of how anxious I was every first day of school and how not to put them upon him. I found myself feeling butterflies in my stomach, and the perspective of a parent, which I never had considered in all my years of dreading the first day of school. Who knew that my Mom may have been just as nervous and I? May have wondered if I would make friends, remain true to myself while learning to conform to society, find joy in the world and still connect with my parents while trying to spread my own wings? Wishing that all that lies ahead of me is a world of hope and opportunity… and I myself wish that my own decisions are the right ones for my little ones.

I never knew.

I never knew that all that was contained in this small being could find the most passionate, strongest emotions inside of me. How I would do anything to make the world a place of discovery and acceptance. I felt his little hand inside mine and wished it there- that same size- forever.

But he let go of it after surveying the room for just a minute or two. I found him in front of a full-length mirror, making faces at himself and smiling. I read the handout that I received as I walked in the door, and it said “For separation anxiety, we’ve found that quick goodbyes are the best.”

Was this advice for him or for me?

I looked at his screwed up face in the mirror and knew the answer.